


Your Hand In Mine

by kcrenegade



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Brain Damage, Christopher Diaz Has Two Dads, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Established Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Its all gonna be okay in the end I promise, M/M, Major Character Injury, Protective Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Seizures, no beta but no one dies in this story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-23 12:42:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30055662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kcrenegade/pseuds/kcrenegade
Summary: A moment was all it took to change everything.Buck's life is altered forever, and so in turn is Eddie's. But that is the price that must be paid really, when you love someone.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 42
Kudos: 231





	1. Waking Up

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first piece of fanfiction I've written since LiveJournal was boppin and AO3 was in its infancy. Please be kind.
> 
> **Italics are flashbacks.**
> 
> The story is gonna make your heart hurt. But no one dies.
> 
> Medical stuff is as accurate as I want it (considering the show plays fast and loose with medicine anyway) and as a critical care and transport RN if I got too technical, drop me a note and let me know so I can explain. Eddie in the show was a field medic and Maddie is a RN so I might have given them the understanding of medical facts that would be appropriate with their level of training.
> 
> I listened to Your Hand in Mine by Explosions In The Sky the whole time writing this, and this was written mostly on my phone in between not working or being out in the field.
> 
> It's been a rough year.
> 
> Story is finished, hopefully updates will be quick. Story has no beta, most in part because I'd rather just post and continue to live my life (haha). All mistakes are my own. 
> 
> This takes place loosely after the current episode, but a few months in the future. And like the tags say, Eddie and Buck in this story have been together for forever. Because that's what my heart wants.

* * *

Eddie rolled over and inwardly groaned when his alarm went off at 6 AM. He was exhausted. Buck had woken him up twice last night and Chris had fought bedtime tooth and nail for over an hour.

God, Eddie just wanted to sleep. For five more minutes maybe, just five more…

"Dee," a huff from his left and Eddie's eyes snapped open.

"Buck," Eddie rolled over and waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness of the room. It would be easier to just turn on the bedside lamp, but Eddie knew the sudden change in light would hurt Buck if he was experiencing a headache.

"Hee," Buck moaned, his left hand rubbing the left side of his head, where the nicely healed scar was still visible no matter how long Buck's hair had gotten. Eddie had hoped as Buck's hair had grown in it would hide the mark, a stark reminder of the hell that had been their lives the last five months, but as time went on the possibility of that happening seemed slim to none.

"Let me see, let me see," Eddie was awake now, alert and already assessing the situation. Buck still had some expressive aphasia, enough that he made each word count when he spoke, and if he was calling for Eddie then it meant something was wrong.

"Your head hurting?" Eddie reached for Buck's hand, bringing it down and squeezing it gently as his other hand found Buck's cheek. Buck was facing him in the bed, as he did most nights. It was probably the best thing about Buck finally being home. He was right there, no matter what. Any nightmares Eddie himself might have were always extinguished the moment he woke up and found Buck sleeping peacefully right beside him. He snores quietly now, after everything. But Eddie still loved him.

"Sss," Buck shook his head, the movements slow and deliberate before his gaze wandered away, the dim hallway light catching half of his face in its glow.

"Buck?" Eddie asked and waited, biting his tongue to keep from prompting Evan again as he felt Buck's attention wander.

Eddie understood how lucky they were, how lucky Chris, Maddie, how lucky all of them were that Evan was as functional as he was. But that didn't mean he couldn't feel cheated all the same.

_Catastrophic brain bleed._

Eddie hadn't often heard the word catastrophe associated with a person's medical condition, but he remembered how his knees had buckled when Dr. Hale had walked up to him and Maddie and given them the news. Michael Grant’s boyfriend had just so happened to be on duty when they arrived at the hospital, and had recognized Bobby's unit, and in turn Buck, immediately.

_"It could either be an aneurysm or some sort of AV malformation, but the bleed is bad enough I'm willing to risk the chance of herniation to try and stop it."_

_Eddie bit his tongue. Brain herniation meant death. But a large brain bleed, Eddie knew, could kill Buck just as easily. God he felt like he was suffocating. How could this be happening?_

_"He was on blood thinners last year for a pulmonary embolism, could that have maybe-" Maddie tried to ask, her voice cracking on the last word._

_"Not likely, not if he's been off the meds for more than a few months," Dr. Hale had shook his head, "He was probably born with it. Dependent on the cause, often either defect isn't caught until something like this happens. Lucky for him, if you can call it that, the bleed is in a place we can reach with surgery. But I'm warning you now, this is a hemorrhagic stroke, a serious bleed despite the fact that we can stop it and remove the blood that has already accumulated in his skull. Chances of Evan suffering fatal brain damage are still extremely high. Even with surgery."_

_"But he still has a chance?" Eddie asked, the feeling of his whole world crumbling the more this surgeon spoke._

_"Yes, he still has a chance. I'm going to try everything I can to give him the best chance."_

Eddie blinked back to the now, and watched as Buck's eyes continued to move around the room, his gaze slightly unfocused and wandering.

"Come on Evan," Eddie murmured, gently rubbing his cheek, "What's wrong?"

Buck blinked at his name, seemingly coming back to himself, before squeezing his eyes shut and groaning, his left hand once again trying to reach up to his head.

"Buck," Eddie whispered again, "Does your head hurt?"

Buck jumped when Eddie called his name before opening his eye to make eye contact. He seemed surprised that Eddie was there, even though he had been the one to call out for him just mere minutes ago.

"You hurting?" Eddie asked once more, still waiting for Buck to respond. He had done a lot of waiting the past few months. Eddie had always figured he'd been a patient person, had learned to be with the Army, then with Christopher. But learning to wait for Buck was different. And sometimes it was so hard to wait. But Eddie knew that most of the time if he waited and didn't rush and gave Buck a chance…

"Mmm," Buck nodded, his bad arm, the right arm, spasming beside him as he closed his eyes, "Mmmhmm."

"Alright," Eddie rolled over and checked the schedule on his iPhone quickly. He'd given Buck pain meds last at around 3 AM so it was about one hour too soon, "Let's get your breakfast and meds ready first yeah? You want to take a shower? See if it helps?"

Buck blinked a few times before nodding, using his good arm to help Eddie reposition himself to get up. He still needed help getting out of bed. Buck yawned as got into a sitting position, rubbing his eyes with his good hand. He looked around the room before reaching up to his head and gently scratching at the scar on his head. He gave out one loud sigh before turning to Eddie and smiling softly. His smile was better now, not as lopsided, but even that part of Buck had been touched by the brain trauma he'd gone through. But it was still his smile. Still his Buck.

"You feel up to walking?" Eddie grabbed the walker, returning Buck's smile. Maybe his head wasn't bothering him too bad if he was up to smiling. Buck had only had a few migraines since coming home, had only had a few at rehab too, but normally the headache would hit him and Buck wouldn’t be up to doing much more than lying down and sleeping it off. "Or do you think you'll need the wheelchair?"

Buck squinted and blinked a few times before shaking his head, "Up. Walker."

"Walker it is then." Eddie cleared the path from the bed to the doorway with his feet before maneuvering the upright walker in front of Buck. He grabbed Buck's gait belt and quickly wrapped it around his torso before taking half a step back. "Ready when you are."

"Hmm," Buck scowled and shuffled his hips a bit more to the edge of the bed until he could use his good hand to grab the arm bars of the walker. Buck hated standing up for the first time each morning. He told Eddie he always got a bit dizzy, but the doctor said only time would help. Eddie wished time would help a bit faster, all the same.

"Three," Buck mumbled as he used his good side to pull himself upright, Eddie providing a bit of support and balance through the gait belt when the expected wave of dizziness hit. Three was Buck speak for "I'm doing it now, no countdown needed thanks." and it always meant Eddie had to be ready for anything really.

But Buck had always made him feel that way, if Eddie was honest with himself.

"Alright, meds, breakfast and a shower," Eddie yawned as they slowly began their journey for the day, "And then I don't know about you but I already want a nap."

Buck let out a quiet huff in agreement, and pushed the walker onwards.

* * *

Carla let herself into the Diaz residence with her key, taking off her boots and jacket after closing the front door. California was having a rare rainy day, and she knew Eddie would appreciate not having to deal with any more of a mess besides the one that seemed to always appear in the house by the end of the day.

"My favorite Diaz boy," Carla smiled as she walked into the kitchen. Chris was eating his morning waffles slowly, his glasses slightly askew on his face, "How'd you sleep baby?"

Chris giggled before scrunching his face as Carla gave him a kiss on the cheek, "Not a baby."

"Hmm I think so," Carla said, straightening his glasses and finger combing his unruly curls, "You'll be my baby till the end of time."

Chris huffed and smiled at that, before reaching up with his hand and setting his curls in disarray again, "Buck's sleeping on his chair."

"And your Dad?"

"Showering. I got my breakfast ready all by myself." Chris smiled.

"Hmm and your backpack's all ready to go?" Carla asked, making Eddie a pot of coffee. If Buck was already asleep before 8 then it had probably been a rough night for both of them.

"Yyeeeep." Chris mumbled around a bite of waffle, smiling cheekily at Carla.

Carla laughed before turning back to the coffee machine. She glanced at the notepad Eddie always left for her if he had needed to give Buck any extra meds besides his scheduled ones.

Buck had needed pain meds twice last night, Carla sighed. She was going to talk to Eddie about scheduling another follow up with Buck's neurologist soon. She knew the migraines and headaches were somewhat normal, especially after all Buck had been through, but they should with time be getting better. The fact that they weren't made Carla a bit worried.

"Carla hey," Eddie smiled, throwing on his jacket as he walked into the room, "Good morning."

"For you," Carla gestured to the brewing coffee pot, "I made it extra strong, figured you'd need it."

"Thanks Carla," Eddie quickly poured half the pot into a clean thermos, "We had a rough night. But he fell back asleep right after his shower. He said to wake him up in an hour though," Eddie yawned, clearly needing a nap himself, "You ready for Abuela’s Christopher?" Eddie asked, turning to his son who also let out a yawn after his dad. Abuela had received both doses of her COVID vaccine about a month ago, as had Buck, Eddie and Carla herself, so Christopher was back to spending a few days a month over there. Abuela had missed her great grandson terribly over the year of quarantining, and she demanded, lovingly, that Christopher be allowed to start coming back over to see her. Once his Abuela had received all her doses and had waited the 14 days after, Eddie had finally relented after talking it over with Carla. Carla knew the value in being safe and also in wanting to protect your family. But they couldn’t live in a bubble forever, and now with vaccination numbers going up and COVID cases going down, it felt like it was time. It got Christopher out of the house, since they were still cautious on where they went and who they interacted with, and it would give Carla a break as well, especially since she was now Buck’s help during the day and his helper when he needed to attend therapy during the week.

"Yeah. Can I say goodbye to Buck?" Chris asked, rubbing his eyes before adjusting his glasses back on his face.

"No," Eddie helped Chris put on his own raincoat after grabbing it from the hallway closet, "He's sleeping _mijo_. But I'm sure he'll be awake after you get back from Abuela’s."

"And you gotta work all night?"

"Yes," Eddie tried to fix his son's wayward curls with a few swipes of his hand, much to his son's annoyance, "But I'll be back after you wake up tomorrow. And I think Aunt Maddie and little Ellie are coming over to visit you and Buck today, after Carla picks you up after Buck’s therapy."

"Oh!" Chris smiled widely as he made his way to the door before putting on his backpack, "I love baby Ellie. Dad, she's so cute and last time her and Uncle Chim came to eat dinner with us, she smiled at me!"

"I remember," Eddie gave a quick wave to Carla as they hurried to the truck, staying as dry as possible. Carla watched them go, waving to Christopher once he was safe and sitting in his dad’s truck.

She turned and poured herself the rest of the coffee before heading towards the living room to sit for a bit before it was time to wake up Buck and start the day.

Time to take care of her other favorite Diaz boy.

* * *

_"So what kind of deficits are you talking about?" Eddie asked, looking at the MRI pictures in front of him. Black, gray and white images that showed the path of destruction the brain bleed had wrecked in Buck's brain._

_"So Evan's bleed was primarily in this region, what we would call the temporal region of his left hemisphere," the neurologist circled the areas on the scans that showed damage, "Right now we are in the peak days of any brain swelling Evan is going to develop, which is why no one has talked about weaning him off the medications that are keeping him in a coma and in turn on the ventilator. So prepare yourself for a many more days of that. However, in terms of deficits, I can't tell you from these scans what exact areas Evan is going to struggle with. We know that that area of the brain controls his right side motor functions, as well as his speech, both Evan's ability to speak and to understand what is being spoken. But each brain injury is different, just like his recovery will be. I'm optimistic that he will wake up, and he is young. Hemorrhagic strokes, like the kind he experienced, have a high mortality rate in the first 48 hours. Since we've passed that window, all that's left is to wait and see."_

_"But he'll live?"_

_"Yes Eddie, it appears that his chances are a lot better. He's not out of the woods yet, but he's definitely more stable than he was just 24 hours ago."_

* * *

"Ooouuut," Buck slurred, clenching his jaw in frustration. That's not the word he wanted to say.

"What's that Buck?"

Buck blinked. Who…

"Over here baby."

Buck turned. He couldn't see…

Oh. Carla. That's right. Carla was here. But where was Christopher? He was here right? Hadn't he just been…

"Hey Buck!"

Buck jumped. Chris?

"-day. You think… still come. Aunt Maddie said… bring pizza."

Buck closed his eyes. Focus. Focus. Christopher was here.

"-red Buck? Or does your head hurt? I can go get Carla, she's in the kitchen."

"No," Buck shook his head, "Chris, home?"

Buck turned his head to the left. Sometimes it was so hard to see. He could hear Christopher, he was right there, he just needed…

"I'm right here Buck."

A small hand touched Buck's bad hand and the sensation set off a muscle spasm in that arm. Buck huffed, and tried to stretch the arm out like Eddie had shown him. Take a deep breath and calm down. Just calm...calm...

"Hey Buck."

A new hand, a new voice, grabbed his arm and helped him stretch it out, the tremors slowly starting to subside.

"Carla," Buck blinked and now he could see her, could see Christopher right there on the couch, looking at him like he was scared.

"There you are," Carla smiled, rubbing his chest as Buck's breathing slowed down. Why was he breathing so fast? "You alright? You were having a bit of a hard time."

Buck blinked. Chris was home and Carla was here… Was it…

"If you're feeling up to it, Maddie wants to bring Ellie over to visit. She'll bring pizza," it was Carla that was looking at him and there. Okay. Buck felt everything come back. She was holding his hand.

"Maddie?"

"Yes Buck. And baby Ellie. They would be here in an hour. Is that okay?"

Oh okay. Maddie wanted to visit. Here. Okay.

"Yes," Buck huffed when his mouth seemed to catch on that word. It was so frustrating when his mouth didn't do what he wanted it to. But he had to take deep slow breaths. No use getting mad. He was getting better. Slow as freaking molasses, but better.

"Alright then I'll call her. You want to keep watching the movie with Christopher?" Carla stood up and waited.

Buck nodded, turning his head until he could see Christopher more clearly. Christopher was here too.

"Hey Buck," Christopher said, his voice a bit unsure.

Buck scowled. He didn't know why Christopher looked upset, but he didn't like it.

"Chris?" Buck asked, lifting his good arm and silently inviting Christopher to snuggle up next to him. He might have lost a lot of mobility but snuggles with Chris were still definitely something he was a pro at. "Which. Movie?"

Buck watched as Christopher's face brightened at that and he quickly shuffled over to cozy on up to him. Buck sighed. There were very few things in life better than snuggling up with Chris on the couch. And of those things, most involved Eddie or Chris anyway.

"Can we watch Incredibles 2?" Christopher asked, his hand holding up the remote as he looked up at Buck through his glasses.

"Ooooh," Buck nodded, agreeing as he gently ran a hand through Christopher's curls, "Favorite."

"Yeah mine too!" Chris smiled back, reaching up with one hand and holding on to Buck's good hands. Buck squeezed Christopher's smaller hand in his. Man, he loved this kid.

Buck watched as Christopher expertly navigated the TV with the remote and selected the right movie. Buck tilted his head and squinted. What was what was…

Buck blinked.

"Hey baby brother."

Buck felt like one moment he had been holding Christopher's hand watching Incredibles 2 and the next…

"Maddie," he smiled. He forgot things now, all the time. Maybe the movie had already ended?

"You feeling okay? Is your head bothering you?"

Maddie sat next to him- where did Chris go- and gave him a big hug. He loved his sister, and loved her hugs. No matter what he forgot, he always remembered how much he liked them.

"No head. Arm." Buck lifted his bad arm. Before Buck couldn't feel it at all. It was hard, but it didn't hurt. Now it hurt sometimes and when it did Buck got a weird feeling in his chest. Like something was wrong and Buck had a hard time when it happened. It felt like the same feeling he had used to get staring up at a fire and knowing it was gonna burn everything down, no matter what he did to stop it.

Buck hated that feeling.

"You want something for it?"

Buck blinked. Oh Maddie. She was here.

He shook his head, before turning to look for someone. Maddie always had…

"Here she is, don't worry I won't keep her away from her favorite uncle," Carla was there and she had a baby. She quickly handed the baby back to Maddie.

Baby Ellie! Buck grinned and waited as Maddie scootched over. Baby Ellie was the absolute best. Especially when she smiled. It was crazy, the things he didn't and did remember. He had remembered Maddie being pregnant and the disaster that was their own parents' visit.

But he didn't remember Maddie actually having the baby.

"Hi Ellie," Buck used his good hand to gently rub the baby's dark black hair before leaning down slowly and giving her a kiss, "Cute."

The baby babbled, blowing spit bubbles before squealing in delight as her mom held her. Buck couldn't help but laugh in return. He didn't remember a lot but man oh man did he love baby Ellie.

"Hungry?" Buck asked, raising his eyebrows. Baby Ellie was always drooling and hungry it seemed.

"Hmm maybe," Maddie laughed, "But I brought pizza for us to eat. You want to come to the kitchen and eat some?"

"Sure." Buck agreed. He loved pizza.

* * *

_Maddie had been folding the new baby clothes when her phone rang. Chim._

_"Hey baby what's wrong?"_

_"Maddie, I'm coming to get you," Chim spoke, a false calm in his voice, "I'll be there in ten minutes. We need to go to the hospital."_

_"What-"_

_"It's Evan. Eddie's with him now, but Maddie, I'll be there in ten minutes. It's… it was bad Maddie. Meet me in the front."_

_Maddie dropped the clothes, the brand new baby clothes her brother had just given her the week before, and made a mad dash for her things, her progress impaired by her belly. She was due in a month._

_"Evan." Maddie whispered, before grabbing her purse and slipping into her crocs, the only shoes that would currently fit her feet. Please not here baby brother. She couldn't lose another one._

_"Evan please no."_

* * *

"Hey Eddie look what Maddie just sent me, guess she made it to your house after all."

Eddie looked up from where he was eating his dinner, taking Chim's phone as the older man passed it to him.

He smiled.

Maddie had taken a photo of Buck and Christopher, baby Ellie held by her uncle with the help of a pillow or two. Christopher was cheesing it up for the camera, a big old grin on his face and his right hand holding on to Ellie's little hand. Even Ellie was smiling, something, like Christopher had mentioned that morning, she had recently started doing a lot.

And there was Buck. Oh how Eddie loved him.

He was smiling, the slightly lopsided smile that he had inherited after everything, but his eyes were clear and Eddie saw it. His Buck. Despite everything, the rough mornings, the therapies, the headaches, there was his Buck.

Buck had been so excited for Maddie's baby. He had been over the moon when he'd found out it was going to be a girl. He had dived headfirst into parenting books, developmental programs, anything and everything a person could watch in preparation for a new baby, even though he wasn't the one expecting.

It had just about killed Eddie when Maddie had had her baby and her own brother had been in the same hospital, at a point in his recovery where he hadn't been aware of much.

He had missed so much.

Buck had been home from the rehabilitation hospital a week when he had finally met his niece in person. Sure they had all made sure to send him photos and had done video calls while he had been at the rehab center, but Buck had been confused by them more than anything.

But a few days after he had been discharged from inpatient rehab, Maddie and Chim had come over to visit. Everyone had wanted to visit really. The rules at the hospital and even the rehab center had been strict, a holdover from COVID still, but Eddie had decided that everyone's visits needed to happen over more than just a few days.

So everyone had to wait their turn. Everyone except for Maddie.

Buck had been home for five days when Maddie, Chim and Ellie came to the Diaz household. When Buck had finally seen Maddie holding her baby, Eddie had seen it in Buck's face, finally, the recognition.

Buck had cried, loud ugly sobs, and his crying had upset just about everyone, including Christopher and Ellie. But there was nothing for it, nothing they could do to make it better.

_"Ellie?" Buck had whispered, his voice still slurred from crying, when he had finally calmed down enough to speak._

_"Yeah Evan. This is baby Ellie."_

Eddie swiped to the next photo on Chim's phone and laughed. Ellie appeared to have had a small spit up and the look on both Christopher's and Buck's faces were identical. Horror.

"Amazing how quick they grow each week," Eddie passed the phone back to Chim, "Soon she's gonna be running around this place like an energizer bunny."

"Oh don't I know it. She already can roll. I sat her down for tummy time yesterday and found her halfway across the living room. Just about gave me a heart attack."

Eddie laughed just as his phone dinged.

Maddie had just sent the photos too, along with a text.

**You free to talk?**

Eddie frowned and dialed his sister in law, standing up from the table before walking down the stairs for a little bit of privacy.

"Hey Eddie," Maddie spoke, and by the sounds of it she was in her car. "Has Evan been doing that zoning thing out more often lately?"

Eddie sighed, rubbing his face, "Yeah, and he's been complaining of his head hurting more, or something. It's like he can't figure out how to tell me what's bothering him. I tried getting a hold of his neurologist today, but the office never called me back. Did he do it again?"

"Yeah," Maddie sighed, "He did it twice that I noticed, and Carla said he'd done it at least once during the day during speech therapy. The most I was able to get out of him was that his right arm was bothering him, but he didn't want to take anything for it."

"Yeah that's what he did this morning. I dunno. I don't want him to be having this much pain still. And if it's not pain then I really want to figure out what's bothering him."

"Yeah I agree with you. You let me know if you can't get a hold of his neurologist? I think my friend still works with one of his partners. I can give her a call."

"Yeah for sure," Eddie said, before the sounds of the firehouse alarm drowned out Maddie's response, "Talk to you tomorrow!"

* * *

_"Morning Buck," Eddie whispered, gently combing his fingers through the small bit of hair that Buck still had on his head. They had shaved so much of it away for the surgery._

_The ventilator cycling and the beeping of Buck's heart monitor were the only replies that Eddie received._

_His vitals were good, and Buck's nurse said he had had a good night. The catheter that went from the outside of his skull into Buck's brain had drained a good bit during the night, but the color had slowly changed from a dark red to a pink. A good sign, the neuro ICU nurse told Eddie. Normal fluid from the ventricles, where the catheter was located in Buck's brain, was a light yellow. The closer it got to that color was a good thing._

_The catheter served another purpose as well. It could be used to monitor Buck's ICP, or intracranial pressure. Basically the pressure in Buck's brain._

_Those readings had been a bit high, but they were expected. As long as they didn't continue to climb, or his blood pressure didn't drop, things were slowly looking better._

_Not perfect, not out of the woods, but better than they had a few days ago._

_"I miss you, mi amor," Eddie whispered, reaching for Buck's hand, mindful of the seemingly multiplying tube and wires coming out of his husband's body. He wasn't wearing his wedding ring anymore, a nurse having given Eddie that piece of jewelry days ago, "Come back to me."_

_But Buck didn't move, giving no indication he heard Eddie._

_Eddie held back his tears and kept holding Buck's hand._


	2. The Birth And Death Of The Day

* * *

Buck knew two things each morning when he woke up.

One. Eddie was right there. Eddie was always right there. Even when he had been sick, way sicker than he was now, Eddie had always seemed to be there.

Two. He was forgetting something.

He always had that feeling now. He didn't always. When he first woke up, like woke up woke up, he didn't realize what was wrong.

But a lot of things were wrong.

His right arm didn't work much. Well. At least he could feel it now. But his right leg didn't work well either. He needed a brace to be able to walk. And what he saw didn't always match with what he knew he was seeing.

It didn't make sense, but it was what it was.

Buck knew he was forgetting so many other things, but that was the worse thing. He remembered enough to know his memory sucked. But could he remember what he was forgetting?

Fat chance.

He knew he had gotten hurt. Something had happened and it had messed up his brain. Hard core.

He knew he got confused, but it was like he couldn't keep time running in his head when it happened. His brain skipped and skipped and then BAM. Back online and Buck would have absolutely no idea what in the world was going on.

But Buck knew he loved Eddie. He knew he loved Christopher, and Maddie and baby Ellie.

Buck knew he loved others, but their names were always just out of reach unless he saw their faces.

Buck knew he was getting better. He knew he had gotten hurt, but he was getting better. He was home, and not at rehab, and he loved Eddie and he loved Christopher.

Lots of things sucked, but not this.

Not waking up and having Eddie right there.

Because Eddie always was right there when Buck needed him.

Like now.

"Eddie." Buck tried not to yell. It was dark outside, so Christopher was asleep.

"Hmm," Eddie mumbled, rubbing his face into his pillow.

Buck huffed. Eddie was tired. And he deserved to sleep. Buck wasn't stupid. His brain might have been scrambled but he wasn't stupid. Eddie was tired a lot of the time now. And even though Buck loved Eddie, and Eddie loved him back just as much, Buck knew part of the reason he was so tired was because Buck had been hurt. Was still hurt.

But something was wrong.

"Eddie," Buck reached with his good arm as the same time that feeling in his chest started up again. He hated it. Wake up Eddie. Wake up Eddie. Wake up…

"-kay?"

Buck blinked. The light was on. Who had turned the light on? And where was Eddie? Was it still morning? 

"Buck?"

Buck closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Why was he breathing so fast?

"Hey Buck, you're alright."

Oh, Eddie.

"Eddie," Buck tried to say. He wanted to say it. But what came out of his mouth was not Eddie's name.

Close but no cigar.

"Arm," Buck took a big breath, oh that's better, "My arm."

He turned his head until he could find Eddie. Come on, blink blink… ah. Eddie.

"Your arm hurts?" Eddie was awake now, and he had probably turned on the light. But hadn't he just been asleep and laying next to him?

Buck sighed. He didn't have the words to explain what he had felt. Because it was gone. And his arm did not hurt anymore.

"No," Buck shook his head slowly. There, his mouth was saying the words he wanted it to say again, "Sorry Eddie."

"It's okay," Eddie just looked at him. He did that sometimes, Buck knew. Just looked. Eddie loved him, this Buck was certain of, and sometimes Eddie just had to look at him. At his face. Buck didn't remember being really sick, or hurt, but he figured it was bad. That must have been so hard for Eddie.

"Nothing hurts?" Eddie asked him and he touched his face. Both him and Christopher did that all the time, and Buck loved it. I love you, they were saying. Buck knew it, and he loved them too.

Buck shook his head. He didn't want Eddie thinking he was hurting. Something had been wrong before. But Buck forgot. Or kept forgetting. Geez. Sometimes this head stuff was so frustrating.

"Head. Broke." Buck smiled, and let out a quiet laugh. It was bright inside the room but outside was dark. Christopher was still asleep. It was still early early morning. 

Eddie laughed, and Buck saw some of the worry leave his face. Not all of it, Buck knew that was impossible. But most of it. Good.

"No more than normal," Eddie replied and Buck watched him get up and turn on the bedside lamp before turning off the bedroom light, "Think you can go back to bed? It's still early."

"Hmm," Buck nodded. He was right. Still early. "You too."

"Me too what?" Eddie asked as he helped Buck lay back down and get comfortable. When had he sat up? Oh well. Guess right now his brain wasn't interested in remembering crap.

Buck was getting better but he still needed some help. Laying down or getting up was the hardest sometimes. Once he was moving it wasn't too bad. Like a big heavy ladder truck. He needed lots of helps to get moving but once he was going, it was smooth sailing. 

Most of the time anyway. 

"Sleep." Buck said and lifted his eyebrows. Eddie didn't sleep enough. Part of that was Buck's fault. But he was getting better.

"I will if you will," Eddie got back in bed and rolled over, facing Buck in the bed. They had a nice bed, Buck knew. Much better than before. It was super comfy. It had been here when he had come home so Buck knew Eddie had gotten it for him. Eddie had a hard time with words a lot of the time, not like Buck did now, but Eddie still showed he loved him. Just in other ways.

"You. First," Buck yawned. Oh man. He was tired. He didn't want to sleep yet though. He was afraid Eddie wouldn't go back to sleep if he let himself fall asleep first. They both had nightmares. Even before he had hurt his head. And when they had nightmares, sometimes neither of them slept. But that was harder too do now, stay awake with Eddie. He was still tired alot. And unlike Eddie he couldn't always keep his eyes open. 

"Hey it's alright," Eddie leaned over and gently touched his face, rubbing his thumb on Buck's cheek, "Go to bed Buck. I'll go to bed too. We got a busy day in the morning."

"Mmm," Buck tried to open his eyes, tried to blink again. Why did he always get so tired? When had he even closed his eyes? "Nnnii.."

"Yeah," Buck heard Eddie say but he kept rubbing his cheek and it was nice and dark and the bed was cozy. He fell asleep with Eddie right there.

* * *

"Okay Buck, you think you can tell me what you see without moving your head?"

"No." Buck stated. He couldn't see anything, so he didn't even know what to say. This was not therapy and it sucked. Eddie had asked him days ago if Buck was seeing okay and Buck had said yes. Was he seeing perfect? Who knew. Buck could remember how things looked before, and that helped him see a lot of stuff now. But did Buck know if what he saw now was the same as what he use to see? Nope. But Buck could see.

"Alright, what about now?"

The lady behind the machine did something and the huge machine in front of his face made a series of clicks before BAM.

"House," Buck grinned. Look at that, he didn't have to squint or move his head at all. Not bad.

"Okay perfect. We're gonna try something else okay Buck? You need to tell me if what you see gets less blurry."

Sure, Buck was down for anything that helped him see.

"Okay how's that?" a series of clicks and Buck blinked. Woah. It was a house but now he could see the door in the picture. Definitely better.

"Better."

"Okay give me just a second okay Buck? Then we will be all done."

Buck nodded and took a deep breath. Uh oh. That feeling was coming back. His arm hurt. And his chest felt funny. He could feel it… Feel it..

"...ddie...here?"

Buck blinked. And blinked again. His arm hurt.

"-here?"

Buck turned his head. Where was… A house?

"Hey Buck."

Oh. That was Eddie. Buck closed his eyes and tried to shake his head but that was a mistake. Wow. Tilt-a-world for sure.

"Come on Buck, you okay?"

Buck blinked. He was okay. His arm hurt, and it was still shaking like it did sometimes. But where was…

Eddie. There he was. He needed to turn his head. He had to remember. Turn his head and he could see Eddie.

He had been in the dark room. But now he was in another room. When had that happened?

"Hey Buck, you back?"

Back? Buck hadn't left anywhere. He couldn't even walk well enough most of the time, much less drive anywhere.

"Eddie?" Buck blinked. Woah. That's better. He hated when his eyes did that. Or maybe it was his brain. But he had been getting his eyes checked. And whatever the lady behind the machine had done with his eyes had helped. So maybe his eyes were messed up like his head had been.

"You okay Buck?" Eddie asked again, his hand on Buck's face. It felt funny because Buck had to wear a mask. He had to wear a mask because they were… Oh. They were at the doctors. Buck remembered.

"Fine," Buck blinked and took a big breath. Buck squeezed his good hand and felt the muscles tighten. Alright. Back in business.

"So I'm assuming that that's what he's been doing more recently Mr. Diaz?"

Buck turned. Right. They were at the doctors. But hadn't he just been looking at the house through the machine? Whatever. What a piece of work, his brain.

"Yeah, when he got discharged from rehab it happened maybe once or twice a week, and only for 5 or 10 seconds. Now he does it a few times a day and is confused for a bit after. It's like he zones out completely, I can't get him to focus or respond. Sometimes he'll complain that something hurts after, but he can't ever tell me what. "

"Hmm," the doctor said and Buck turned his head, "Evan, do you feel really funny when that happens?"

Buck grimaced. Funny really wasn't what he felt but it was close enough.

"Weird," Buck replied, "Chest's weird."

"Okay," the doctor said and looked at Eddie then back at Buck, "Evan I'm gonna need to send you for some tests. What you did could be caused by a number of things, but we need to be sure. Maybe a seizure, maybe something else. But we would need to rule out a few other things before I diagnose anything on the spot."

"Meds for seizure?" Buck asked. He took them already. Twice a day. Eddie helped him remember but he took them, "Keppra."

The doctor nodded, "I know. But that medicine might not be enough to prevent this type of seizure since they're different from the kind you had when you first woke up. If what you're having are seizures, then we might need to change your medicine or add one."

Buck took a second to process that. Okay. He would do it, if it helped him not skip and get confused. But he wasn't gonna lie. Definitely not what he would call a fun time.

"Okay," Buck nodded and looked at Eddie before he turned his head so he could see his doctor again, "When?"

"As soon as possible. Lets see if we can get something arranged before you go home. Also Evan? You're probably going to need some glasses. It seems your double vision has gotten worse," the doctor spoke.

Ah. The house.

"Oh the house." Buck nodded.

"Yes, the pictures you were looking at. Your opthamologist called me. Are you interested in trying the glasses out?"

"Sure," Buck agreed. Whatever the lady had done had helped, and Buck was all about the helping.

"And you still seem to have some side neglect but you seem to compensate fairly well. Do you feel like that has gotten better?"

Buck titled his head. What he could remember from when he first woke up, things had been tilted, like he was on a weird ass carnival ride. And he would bump into everything with his right side. He still had to turn his head a lot. But still better than before.

"Yeah, better."

Now if only they could get his stupid arm to work again. Or his leg. Or his mouth. He wasn't entirely too picky.

"Alright Buck, Eddie, take care. My NP will call you later today if we can set up that EEG and CT sometime in the next few weeks. And we'll go ahead and send your prescription in so you can get some glasses. You'll have to start wearing them during your occupational therapy but I think they'll be beneficial once you get used to them."

"Thanks Dr. Mitchell," Eddie shook the man's hand after Buck had.

"Yep," Buck agreed before yawning. The doctor left the exam room and Buck flexed his shoulder back and forward before trying to stretch his bad arm.

"Home now?" he asked around another yawn. Thank God he didn't have therapy today, Buck thought. All he wanted to do was nap.

Eddie laughed, "Yeah I could use a nap too. You ready to go?"

"Yep," Buck said, and with Eddie's help, made his way out of the exam room.

* * *

Eddie yawned and lifted his head, scrubbing his face with both hands. After Buck's appointments today both Buck and himself had come home and completely crashed, Buck on his recliner and Eddie on the couch.

Buck's appointments were always hard, for both of them, for different reasons. Buck didn't necessarily hate going, but his stamina was still crap and appointments guaranteed at least 5 hours of not being at the house. Even therapy days were three hours max in a row with a good break in between.

Eddie hated them too, but only because they were a huge reminder for Eddie of those first few days, when everything had been uncertain and Eddie had felt like each day he was drowning.

But Buck's neurologist was a nice guy if Eddie was fair. He listened to both Eddie and Buck, and he was optimistic in a way that wasn't patronizing.

When Buck's mental health had started to suffer greatly in patient rehab, Buck's neurologist had been one of the few in Eddie's corner when he had pushed for Buck to be discharged home. Even Dr. Hale had been hesitant, worried having Buck home would be more than Eddie could handle.

Yes, Eddie had argued. He knew it would be rough. He knew Buck still needed a lot of help. And he was thankful. The rehab center had gotten Buck talking, had gotten him mostly mobile. They'd given Buck a brace so his right leg could move correctly and had given him a wrap that helped keep the muscles of Buck's right hand stretched.

They had helped recognize deficits in Buck's memory, his thought process, his vision and even in his behavior. Eddie was so grateful to them. But once Buck had become more aware of his situation, more aware that Eddie could not stay every night, not with Christopher waiting at home, and that Christopher himself could not visit, Buck's demeanor had started to sour.

He had stopped wanting to eat, stopped participating in the therapy. He'd become increasingly despondent and upset each time Eddie had to leave.

The in-house psychiatrist had assured Eddie that this was a normal part of recovery, and to a degree Eddie believed him.

But he was only a man.

And after a week of Buck begging him to take him away, to take him home, Eddie could do nothing but succumb to the wave that was Buck.

And so he had fought the fight that Buck was unable to do. Medically and legally speaking Buck was still under his conservatorship. So Eddie had fought.

And another week later Buck was home.

And it was hard. Eddie wasn't going to lie. He was tired most days, exhausted the rest. Carla was a godsend as always, but the adjustments to life with Buck home had been akin to a slap in the face.

Where Buck had always been his partner, his shoulder to lean on, another helping hand with Christopher, now Eddie felt like some days he was barely keeping them all afloat.

At least he did most days.

But not always. More and more, as Buck's confusion lessened and his strength returned, things were getting better. Like right now. 

Eddie had fallen asleep for a late afternoon nap with Buck, only to wake up to Buck nowhere to be found.

Christopher had been eating dinner by the time they had gotten home from the appointments, because LA traffic was no joke, and Carla had bid them all goodbye before leaving.

Christopher had been coloring in the living room with them when they had fallen asleep, but now his colors were put away and now Christopher wasn't around.

So where was Buck and Christopher?

Eddie stood. He could hear them both, faintly. 

"Hmm I don't know Buck. You think that it'll be a good science project?"

"You. Like the stars."

Eddie followed the voices of his partner and son as they wafted down the hallway. Christopher's door was opened but the light was off. Buck's walker was parked right outside the door, Chris's crutches propped up against the doorframe right beside.

"Yeah but it's hard. Not all the stars have names."

"Just names then."

"So just the ones with names?"

"Hmm."

"You think Dad will help with getting the paints and stuff?"

Eddie finally peaked around the door, into the dark room. It was late in the evening now, the sun already set. 

Both his son and Buck were on the ground, laying flat on their backs looking up to the ceiling. Christopher had a flashlight in his hand, and the glow of it was enough to illuminate both of their faces.

Days before Buck had had his stroke, months and months ago now, he and Chris had spent a whole day repainting Christopher's ceiling black and dark purple. It hadn't been Picasso level, and Eddie had been skeptical of the project. But Christopher had become obsessed with space and he had wanted to paint the stars.

Eddie had been content with just buying the glow-in-the-dark stars that you stuck on the ceiling, the kind that had been around since he himself was a kid, but if there was one thing about Buck was he always went above and beyond for the people he loved.

So Buck had spent his whole day off, Eddie hadn't been there as he had picked up an extra shift with another house, painting space on Chris's ceiling with the help of their son.

And then had come the stars.

Buck had found some self-luminous paint online ( _"It's not the same as glow in the dark paint Eddie I've read the reviews!"_ ) and had gone to work.

The end result was beautiful. It still was amazing, all these months later. Living in LA meant Christopher couldn't star gaze easily, it took a few hours drive to get away from enough light pollution to really appreciate the nighttime sky, but never let it be said that Buck didn't try to bend space itself for Christopher.

"You remember painting this for me?" Christopher asked, turning off the flashlight after the paint had absorbed enough charge.

"No," Buck whispered back, "Sorry Chris."

"That's okay," Chris sighed, "It's still really pretty. And I know you did it. Maybe you can help me paint the stuff for school too. Is that okay?"

"I try."

"Let's ask dad tomorrow. Maybe he can take us out of town again, so we can really see the stars. But I just want to lay here with you some more. Is that okay?"

"Stay forever. Always." Buck replied as he nodded along, smiling. 

Chris giggled, "Well not forever. We gotta eat eventually."

"Blah!" Buck huffed and turned to Christopher, giving him a raspberry right on his cheek.

"Buck!" Christopher laughed and tried to escape but Buck's good hand reached over and squeezed him close.

"Forever." Buck laughed and tickled his son, Christopher letting out large squeals of laughter. 

A balm to his soul, that was, Eddie thought. God he loved his boys. 

Quickly Chris' laughter died down he agreed, "Oh okay. But dad gets to stay too."

"Yes."

It was quiet then, and Eddie just listened to them both. Both of his boys had lost so much, but not this. 

"You know I love you so much Buck."

"Love. You. Too Chris. Always."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anything was at all confusing, drop me a line and let me know. Thanks for all the support.


	3. Time Stops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh guys this one is a doozy. Good luck. Remember, flashbacks are in italics.

* * *

"Bobby!" Buck's scowl turned into a grin after looking at his former Captain for a few seconds. It had taken Buck about five minutes to open the door after Bobby had knocked, and it had been long enough Bobby had gotten just a tad bit worried.

"Hey kid, looking good," Bobby smiled and gestured to the glasses on Buck's face, "Nice frames."

Buck smiled, "Thanks. They help."

"Yeah and you look very grown up. Which is a nice change," Bobby gave Buck a good long hug. It had been too long since he had seen the younger man, "How's your head?"

"Still. Broken." Buck smiled, letting out a laugh.

"Well, it looks a bit better today."

"Nah. Just. My. Preeeety face." Buck really smiled then and laughed, almost losing his balance if it hadn't been for Bobby's hand tugging on the gate belt he wore whenever he was up and walking around.

"Yes definitely doing better," Bobby laughed back, unable to help it. He really hadn't been able to see Buck as much as he would have liked. But the former firefighter was seemingly making great progress. He had received continuous updates from Eddie on Buck, but seeing him in person was always the proof in the pudding so to speak.

His speech was better, and he seemed to be moving much better. He was still using the walker, but seeing him up and moving around alone was a blessing.

"Where. Athena?" Buck asked, his eyebrows raised and looking around Bobby towards Bobby's car outside, turning his head slowly from left to right. Eddie had said they figured Buck had a few visual field deficits, blind spots basically, and he had been working with his occupational therapist to work on scanning techniques to make sure he wasn't missing anything.

"She's working today, mid shift. You gonna let me in and we can go sit down?" Bobby noticed the way Buck's bad leg trembled slightly.

"Yeah. Need. Small help." Buck said, walking over to his chair. One of the things Eddie had done before Buck had come home was Buck-proof the house. His house in general was handicap accessible more so than the average house because of Christopher, but the recliner chair had been one of many things Eddie had done to make sure Buck would be comfortable in his house.

When Buck had first come home, he hadn't been able to stand from a sitting position without a two person assist. So Eddie had followed the rehab's recommendations and had found a recliner chair that with the push of a button could help lift Buck into a standing position. It worked so well Buck preferred to sit there since it meant he could get up by himself if he needed to.

Bobbie knew that Buck was getting stronger, as per Eddie's updates, and that while he still needed some support getting up from bed before he had his leg brace on in the morning, he was way more mobile than before.

It was a slow and steady recovery and Bobby knew he wasn't the only one thankful for each and every stride Buck made.

"Alright here we go," Bobby helped brace Buck's right leg with his foot to keep it from slipping as Buck let go of his walker and reached back for his chair.

Buck yawned when he was finally sitting, and used his good arm to reposition his bad arm.

"So Chris is getting braces?" Bobby asked, once Buck was situated and paying attention again. That was another thing that was improving by leaps and bounds, Buck's ability to focus and concentrate. It was good to see Buck become more aware and sure of himself.

"Yeah," Buck scowled, "Not fun. Was scared. Can't go cause COVID."

Bobby nodded. COVID precautions, despite his whole firehouse being vaccinated, had been a large reason the hospital and in turn the rehab facility hadn't allowed anyone to visit Buck. Eddie and Maddie had been the only ones allowed but Maddie had been recovering from a C-section for a good bit of Buck's recovery and had been home bound.

It had been rotten timing.

"I'm sure Christopher knows you would be there with him, if you could," Bobby said.

Buck was quiet for a second, glancing at his hands before the door.

"Eddie sent you?" Buck practically whispered, unable to make eye contact with Bobby.

Bobby sighed. Eddie _had_ called him. Carla was unavailable to help Buck today, and Eddie needed to take Christopher to his orthodontist appointment. He hadn't wanted to make Buck sit outside in the car for the few hours it would take, and he was afraid to leave Buck at home alone for that amount of time.

Bobby had overheard Eddie talking to Maddie about it earlier in the week and had offered to swing by and sit with Buck for a few hours at the house.

"He didn't send me Buck. I asked to come see you. It's been a minute. But you know he gets worried."

"Not a baby." Buck argued, sounding more hurt than angry.

"Buck no one thinks that. But what happened to you, it was an awful scary thing. You can't blame him for being scared."

Buck huffed, before sighing and rubbing his face with his good hand.

"Not forever," Buck finally said, determination in his voice. "Getting better."

"You are getting better. But Eddie is always going to be a bit afraid, Buck. Remember after the tsunami? You didn't take Chris to the beach for a long time. Just because he wants to keep you safe right now doesn't mean it's always going to be this way."

Buck looked away and shrugged, "Yeah. Guess."

"And besides. I'll use any excuse to come see you," Bobby leaned forward and placed his hand on Buck's knee, "I've missed you. So don't be mad at Eddie."

Buck sighed again, and Bobby watched as multiple emotions flashed through Buck's face. He used to be better at hiding them, but ever since he'd woken up that sort of control hadn't come back. Bobby wondered if it ever would come back. He'd been so agitated and confused those first few weeks after they had lifted the sedation and taken him off the ventilator.

_"It's not gonna be this way forever," Bobby assured Eddie quietly, the man sobbing at his dining room table. The kids were with Michael and Athena had already gone into the kitchen to get Eddie some ice water._

_Eddie had driven straight from the hospital here, calling Bobby already crying. Bobby had feared the worse, Buck hadn't needed to be put back on the ventilator after he had had another seizure, but anything could change in the blink of an eye really._

_They knew that for a fact._

_But Buck had had another seizure. And had been started on Keppra, an anti-seizure medication. But that had not been what had gotten Eddie so upset._

_"It's so hard to keep seeing him this way," Eddie finally composed himself enough to get out, "Chris keeps asking about him, and I don't know what to say. Buck is awake, his eyes are open and he moves, but he's not there. His eyes don't focus on me, he doesn't follow commands. God Bobby, this is almost worse than death, seeing him this way. Because he's alive but he's not there. He's not."_

_"Its the early days yet," Athena was there, and she pulled Eddie in a gentle hug, "You know it was gonna be rough. We all knew. But Buck is fighting. He's fighting to get back Eddie. You gotta keep helping him."_

_"All I do is hold his hand and talk to him, try to make him feel safe. He gets this look sometimes, like he's lost. He looks so afraid. But no matter how hard I try I can't seem to help him."_

_"He hears you Eddie," Bobby joined in, adding his support to the younger man, "I know he hears you."_

_"I know," Eddie blew his nose and sipped the water Athena handed him, "But I can't help it if I'm so afraid too."_

"Not mad," Buck spoke and Bobby was brought back to the here and now, "Just. Tired. Want to be better."

"You are better," Bobby said, as he thought back to just how much better Buck was, "But you can't get frustrated with the small things. Brains don't heal like broken bones. You can't force it."

Buck nodded but Bobby could see he didn't really agree. Bobby knew Buck pushed himself too much in therapy, often exhausting himself to the point it was hard for him to make it to the car after.

It made Eddie so frustrated, to the point he had needed to vent to Bobby about it more than once.

Bobby could understand both sides really. Eddie didn't want anything else to happen to Buck. And Buck didn't want to be so dependent on others.

They gave each other a lot of grace though, and Bobby knew that one of the stipulations for Buck's early release from rehab was counseling, for both Buck and Eddie. Bobby knew it was helping, had to be helping, because both seemed to be handling everything as well as a person could really. There was a lot of grief and loss in this house, but there was also so much love.

It was easy to see.

"No more. Firefighting," Buck really couldn't look at Bobby now, but Bobby could see what the admission was costing him by the tears threatening to fall from his face, "Doc said. Probably never."

Bobby had figured. Firefighting was difficult for a healthy able bodied person. And off the top of his head Bobby knew at least two of Buck's current conditions were instant disqualifications.

"Well I'm not gonna tell you that you'll find something else," Bobby began, and Buck turned and looked at him, his head slightly off centered like it needed to be to compensate for his visual deficits.

"And I'm not gonna say you should be happy that you're doing better and not worry about that sort of stuff," Bobby watched as the tears finally did start to fall, "But it's going to be okay. Not for a while, but I promise. It won't hurt this bad for forever."

"Fucking sucks," Buck huffed a laugh around his tears. And Bobby heard everything Buck didn't, couldn't say. About working so hard after his leg surgeries, after the lawsuit, after everything. Working so hard and still having the universe throw him the ultimate curveball. "Fucking sucks Bobby."

Bobby agreed and leaned over to hug Buck, "Yeah. It fucking sucks."

* * *

"Buck."

"Buck."

Buck blinked. His arm hurt.

"Hey Buck, what's wrong?"

Buck let out a big breath and closed his eyes tight before opening them again.

His stupid brain. Just work… Just work…

"Dee," Buck huffed. There. Okay. Now just say…

"Hey Buck it's alright. Something hurting you?"

Buck wanted to shake his head but last time he did that when he felt this way, he had gotten dizzy enough he'd almost vomited all over Maddie.

Take a deep breath. Buck knew it would get better if he just calmed down but it was hard. It felt like he couldn't control anything, not his good hand, not his face, not his words.

And Eddie was there. Somewhere. Buck couldn't see him right now, but he felt him squeeze his hand but he was… He was….

Buck blinked again. Okay. He definitely wasn't at home. Where was Eddie? And Christopher? And why was he laying down?

Why was he moving?

"Hey Buck," a voice said to his right and Buck tried to move.

His right was his shitty side and he had to turn his head and compensate. But he always forgot after that feeling in chest came and went. And it was harder to see when his head felt funny and he kept feeling like he had to take big deep breaths.

"Eddie?" Buck turned and turned and no, definitely not Eddie. Wait what was on his face?

"Hey Buck," the voice said again, a lady with a kind face, "You had a seizure. It's alright. Your husband is following us to the hospital, we're in an ambulance right now."

Buck blinked. What was on his face…

"No don't touch that," the lady, a paramedic Buck's brain supplied after a second, reached forward and grabbed his hand. No, where was Eddie?

"That's just some oxygen. It was a pretty long seizure so we're just gonna help your brain out a bit. Leave the mask on Buck."

Buck scowled. Long se.. Long…

Buck opened his eyes again. Nevermind. Closed them again. Everything hurt. His head. His chest. His good and bad arms.

Where was Eddie and Christopher?

Buck tried to get himself up and felt something hold him down.

Nonononono.

"Buck, hey. Buck it's me. It's Eddie."

Buck stopped but didn't open his eyes. That hurt. Why the hell did everything hurt so bad?

"Dee?"

"Yeah. Everything's okay Buck. You're alright. You had a seizure at home and another in the ambulance. You're alright."

Buck tried to open his eyes. He really did. But oh man that hurt. Mistake...

"Buck?"

Buck turned his head. Something was on his face again. What-

"Hey Buck, it's alright. It's just some oxygen. You had another seizure. We're going to get a quick scan of your head. But they're already giving you some different meds to help. It's alright. I'm right here."

Buck felt Eddie squeeze his good hand. Oh. Okay.

Buck squeezed back. At least he tried to squeeze his hand. Everything felt wrong.

And his head hurt so much.

"Hurts." Buck said. Yes. Score 1 for Buck's brain to mouth signal. About time that crap got back online.

"Yeah I know Buck, you told me. They're getting you something for it. Just hold on."

Buck said it early? He didn't remember.

Buck blinked. Oh that wasn't too bad.

"Eddie?" Buck asked. He couldn't see him but he knew he was there cause he could feel his hand.

"I'm right here Buck," Eddie said and there. Eddie moved and came closer and there he was.

"Happened?" Buck asked. They were at home. Where was Christopher and Bobby?

"You had three seizures," Eddie said and touched his face. Buck closed his eyes. That felt nice.

"It's alright to sleep some Buck. I'm not leaving."

"Chris?" Buck asked, trying to open his eyes again. Oh man. He was exhausted. But what had happened? And why did his body hurt so bad? And his head?

"He's alright Buck. He's with Maddie. Go ahead and sleep some. I'll be right here."

"Mmm," Buck tried to ask where Maddie was. Tried to ask what had happened. But he was exhausted. And his head hurt.

And Eddie was here. So he could handle anything that was happening.

Buck was gonna sleep. Just for a bit.

* * *

_"Did you know that whichever clownfish grows the biggest, that's the fish that becomes the female?" Buck asked, his smile big enough to lift Eddie's spirits after the "train wreck" that was that last call._

_"So in Finding Nemo, the dad would most definitely have turned into his mother. And barracudas don't even eat clownfish eggs."_

_"How do you even know all this?" Eddie laughed. Buck was like that though. Any random piece of information he learned he instantly wanted to share with everyone around him._

_"I saw it on a tik tok! So I Googled it and the guy from the video was right. He'd said some other stuff about Nemo's mom eating the eggs instead but my heart can't take that so I refuse to accept it."_

_Eddie laughed before shrugging out of his turn out gear, Buck doing the same right beside him._

_"You know Christopher is totally in his space exploration phase at the moment but just wait till he wants to learn about the ocean. That place is scary!"_

_Eddie looked over at Buck, Buck still smiling at his husband._

_"So when he wants an ocean wall in his room I'm sure you'll paint that for him too? Or you'll tell him the Nemo story first?" Eddie asked._

_"Hey," Buck gasped, scandalized, "My space painting turned out amazing! Bob Ross would be proud of me. Like he says, anyone can paint!" Buck smiled, "Christopher told me all his friends are jealous because it looks so amazing!"_

_"Oh yeah, he mentioned that," Eddie agreed. Speaking of Christopher, he needed to call Carla, Eddie thought. Christopher needed to see an orthodontist about some braces soon and Eddie needed to know if Carla would be available to take him to get the preliminary x-rays. Chris had already asked Buck if he would go with him when it was time for the actual braces._

_"Hey Eddie can… Can," Buck speaking brought Eddie out of his thoughts but something was wrong. Buck was slurring his words and stumbling to the side just a bit. And he kept blinking and looking around, as if he was lost._

_"Woah, Buck," Eddie reached forward and grabbed his shirt, steadying him when it seemed Buck was gonna stumble again, "Buck, what's wrong?"_

_"I…I," Buck opened and closed his mouth, blinking repeatedly, "M'head."_

_Buck yawned and smacked his lips before reaching up with his left hand and grabbing his head, “-ddie?”_

_"Buck?!" Eddie yelled, grabbing Buck with both hands when Buck's legs went out from under him. Buck had been looking right at him when his eyes had rolled back in his head._

_"HEN!" Eddie yelled again, screaming and knowing his voice carried only fear._

_Eddie guided Buck's body to the floor, not able to keep him upright as Buck went completely limp, becoming deadweight._

_"Buck!" Eddie yelled again, sternal rubbing Buck once he had him lying partly on the floor, partly in his lap, "Buck!"_

_"What happened?!" Hen rounded the corner into the locker room, Chim and Bobby close behind._

_"I. I don't know. We were talking and then he just, his voice just got slurred and he collapsed." Eddie spoke fast, trying not to panic but feeling like his heart was going to beat out of his chest._

_"Did he hit his head when he fell?" Chim dropped down besides Hen, somehow having his medic bag in hand._

_Hen tried to elicit a pain response from Buck to no avail, pinching the skin right under his collarbone. She was searching through her pockets for a penlight, needing to see Buck’s pupil responses._

_"No, I caught him. He was fine for the call too, nothing happened," Eddie gently moved Buck's limp body off of his lap and straightened him out on the floor. Buck hadn’t even been the one to do anything too physical, Bobby having put him on manning the hose._

_"Let's get-'' Hen turned to Chim but stopped. Buck was starting to move._

_"He's seizing," Eddie said. Or yelled. He couldn't tell anymore with all the blood rushing in his ears. What was happening? What was happening?_

_"Get a board," Hen commanded, turning back to Buck, helping Eddie to keep Buck from hurting his head as his body thrashed on the ground, "We need to get him to the ER, and Chim we need some Versed or Diazepam."_

_Eddie held Buck as best as he could, whispering to him, pleading with him to be alright._

_The next few bits felt like an out of body experience._

_He watched as Chim gave Buck intranasal Versed to stop the seizing, and Eddie held Buck's hand when they secured him to the board and rushed him to the ambulance, jumping in the back with Chim and Hen, not knowing who jumped into the seat to drive. He would find out later it had been Bobby, calling the Code 3 into the nearest ER bay before they had even left the station._

_He held Buck's hand when Buck coded in the ambulance, only letting go when Hen and Chim shocked him out of pulseless V tach, and he held his hand when they intubated him en route, yelling to each other as they started bilateral IVs and pushed enough drugs to keep him alive._

_"We got a pulse?"_

_"Got a pulse, tube him."_

_“What’s his pressure?!”_

_“I got the AC running epinephrine already, what about fluids?!”_

_“Just open the NS, no pressure bag. Do we have sinus now?”_

_“He’s throwing PVCs but nothing sustained. Pulse is strong.”_

_"Is he posturing or seizing?"_

_"Definitely posturing, get the OG in too."_

_“ET tube is in, color change is good. I’m going to bag him fast, you got the lines?”_

_“Yeah BP is above 90 now.”_

_It felt like forever, it felt like a second, but then they were in the ER and Hen was reporting off to the multiple nurses and doctor who were waiting for them and then Buck was gone, was out of his hands and Eddie was standing there and God how had this happened._

_What happened? What the hell had happened?_

* * *

Eddie rubbed his face and debated whether or not to grab another cup of coffee. Buck would be in the MRI scan for another 30-45 minutes and Eddie had time. But he didn't want to leave.

He had had a small….okay huge breakdown on the ride to the ER earlier tonight.

They had been sitting at the table, him, Bobby and Buck, talking about the current MLB standings when Eddie had noticed Buck's attention wander. He had just been thinking how thankful he was that the tests for whatever was causing Buck's "episodes" were in two days when suddenly Buck's body had stiffened as if he'd been electrified.

Bobby and Eddie had immediately jumped up and had thankfully been quick enough to grab Buck's body when he had begun to seize.

Chris had been in his room, getting ready for bed, and Bobby had already been dialing 911 by the time Eddie's brain had caught up enough to run for Buck's emergency meds in the cabinet.

They had been given intranasal versed in the event of seizures, but Eddie to date had never had to use them before. But his training kicked in, thank you adrenaline, and he had opened the syringe and administered the medication while Bobby had still been talking to the 911 operator.

The meds had kicked in before the ambulance had gotten there, and by then Bobby had gone to the backroom with Christopher, promising Eddie he would take him to an awaiting Maddie.

Eddie had been tempted to ride in the ambulance with Buck, but this wasn't like the firehouse. Family rode in the front, and Eddie had figured if he couldn't be right by Buck anyway then he was better off with his own car so that he would have a vehicle at the hospital.

The 106 had been the responding firehouse, and had made quick work of getting Buck loaded and set for the hospital.

But that was hours ago now.

Buck had had two more seizures before the ER doctor had finally been able to reach Buck's neurologist, who had ordered an extra dose of Buck's Keppra, given IV, and a new medication called Vimpat, also given through Buck's IV.

Buck had woken up a few times during everything, but each time he'd been confused and out of it, asking the same questions again and again or just groaning, fighting the hands of the ER staff who were helping him. It reminded Eddie so much of the early days, when Buck was either awake and agitated or asleep.

Eddie knew it was normal, knew that it was normal for a person to be confused after a seizure, but it was different, learning that in training and then seeing it with someone you loved.

The whole time Eddie had been mentally preparing himself for Buck to need a breathing tube, for the scene to unfold like it had that awful day the brain bleed had almost killed him, but after the doses of extra meds everyone in Buck's room calmed down. The ER doctor left Buck's bedside, and even the ER nurse had stepped out, going to send off the labs they had drawn on Buck already.

They were going to run a full work up, just in case. Just because of his history.  
Buck had finally stopped seizing, was breathing deep and even, and he looked okay. He had a bit of a bloody mouth, but more than likely, Eddie knew, he had probably bit his tongue during one of his seizures.

But now Buck was gone, out of his sight once again.

Buck was getting an MRI currently, having gotten a test called an EEG before leaving the ER room. Basically it had been a test to look at Buck's brain waves, to make sure the two meds would do their job at keeping the seizures away.

"Eddie."

Eddie jumped, not having heard anyone come down the quiet hallway.

"Dr. Mitchell," Eddie stood and shook the neurologist's hand, his legs still a bit shaky from everything that had happened in the last few hours. Talk about a PTSD flashback.

"No no sit down, sit," Dr. Mitchell placed his hand on Eddie's shoulder and sat beside Eddie on the benches outside the MRI waiting room.

"What's going on?" Eddie asked, hoping he kept the fear out of his voice. By how much his voice shook, Eddie doubted he had succeeded.

"So Evan's CT scan did not show another bleed, nor did I suspect one," Dr. Mitchell quickly tried to calm Eddie's fears, "But it appears that Buck had some breakthrough seizures."

"So the Keppra stopped working?"

"Not necessarily," Dr. Mitchell shook his head, "So as Evan's brain heals, pathways are reformed, or at least that's the goal. Parts of his brain were damaged by the bleed and while the brain doesn't necessarily heal itself, we know it can compensate. The problem though is that as the brain tries to do that sometimes things can go wrong. Too much of a good thing really. "

Eddie nodded. He vaguely remembered hearing this while Buck was in rehab. New pathways meant re-learned skills.

"So I'm almost positive that the odd episodes you were reporting when I last saw you were the beginnings of this breakthrough seizure activity."

"Tonight was definitely the first time he had had a full blown seizure though," Eddie rubbed his face, trying to erase the sight of Buck laying on the ground helpless, "He hasn't had one like this since right after they took the breathing tube out."

"Yes but not all seizure activity is the same. Most likely Evan was having complex partial seizures instead of the tonic clonic, or grand mal, seizure you saw tonight. It would explain the lapse in his concentration, the confusion and also the odd speech he had right after."

"So he still is going to seize?" Eddie asked, dismayed. It had been months since Buck had had any seizures. Or at least that's what he had thought.

"Hopefully not," the doctor shook his head, "As long as the MRI comes back clear, I'm going to keep him on the increased dose of Keppra and the new medication, Vimpat. The Vimpat should block the complex partial seizures and the increased dose of Keppra will prevent any more tonic clonic seizures. But you know sometimes we have to wait and see."

Eddie nodded. He knew that. But he felt like he had done enough waiting and seeing for a lifetime.

"He'll probably be really lethargic for a few days," Dr. Mitchell continued, standing when his pager went off, "But I want to keep him overnight just to be sure he doesn't have any complications. He got quite a bit of meds before his seizures stopped. I don't want to send him home just yet, even though I know you would take care of him just fine. Give him a night here, and I'll be back in the morning to see him. As long as everything else comes back clear, I will very much consider allowing Evan to go home tomorrow."

"Okay. That sounds fair." Eddie hated being in the hospital, hated seeing Buck in the hospital really, but he could do it again for one more night

"Alright, Evan should be out soon. I'll see you in the morning Eddie. Please try and get some sleep alright? Visitation rules have eased a bit since you were last here, so there shouldn’t be a problem with you staying with him."

"I'll try, and thank you." Eddie stood too, and shook the man's hand before Dr. Mitchell walked away.

God, Eddie rubbed his face again. He just wanted to go home, back to their bed where Buck would sleep and Christopher was right down the hall.

Being in this hospital brought back too many memories of earlier this year, when Buck was so hurt he didn't even know if he would make it.

The bleed Buck had suffered had been horrendous. It should have killed him, probably would have if he had been alone or they had been at home.

Buck had been lucky that way.

And wasn't that just the worse thing. Buck had all the luck, both good and bad. Luck that he had a ticking time bomb of a bleed that had never given him problems, through the blood thinners, through the tsunami, not even after the engine bomb.

Luck that it had bled on a random day in January.

Luck that they had all been there, ready to help. Luck that the closest hospital to the station was also a certified stroke/trauma center that had gotten Buck into surgery in less than an hour, where Dr. David Hale, Athena's ex-husband’s boyfriend, just so happened to be on shift.

Eddie sighed. He could do this again for one more night. Buck was alright. The meds would make him sleepy, just like they had done when he'd first started on them. Eddie could handle that.

Now Eddie just had to wait for them to bring Buck back down the hall and up to his room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for you comments and kudos. If I missed anything let me know.


	4. Inside It All Feels The Same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your kudos and comments. I appreciate each and every one.
> 
> One more to go after this. ❤️

* * *

"Hey Buck."

Buck opened his eyes.

"Eddie," Buck smiled. He'd been dreaming about Eddie, about Christopher and about their house. They had been together, looking up at the Milky Way from Christopher's floor. It had been a good dream.

"Well it's about time sleepy head, you been asleep almost all day." Eddie smiled back and touched his face.

"Really?" Buck blinked and tried to look. Oh. They weren't at home. And he didn't have his glasses. "What happened?"

Eddie's face scrunched up like he was scared and trying to hide it from Buck, before the emotion left. But Buck had seen it. Where were they?

"You had a few seizures yesterday. But you slept through the night fine. They had to start you on another medication though."

Buck looked around again and oh, this did look like a hospital. Not one he had been in before for rehab, but most definitely like the first hospital.

"The Keppra?" Buck asked and knew that was the wrong thing to say. Eddie's face pinched up. Oh man, was he losing time again? Had he already asked these questions?

"Yeah, and another med called Vimpat," Eddie leaned back but didn't let go of Buck's hand, "Doc said they'd make you sleepy. But you think you're up for some food?"

"Hmm," Buck hummed. He would need to remember another pill? Great. "Lunch or Dinner time?"

Eddie laughed. "No, it's still lunch time. They brought you some jello and yogurt. You bit your tongue pretty good yesterday so your mouth is gonna be sore. Anything else hurting?"

Buck took a second to take stock of his body. He did hurt. Not bad, not like those awful headaches he'd get sometimes, but his body felt like it had after he'd been thrown from the engine after the bomb.

He wiggled his feet. Nope, nothing broken.

"Not too bad," Buck replied and touched his tongue to the roof of his mouth. Oh, yeah. Definitely had hurt his tongue.

Eddie saw his expression and squeezed his hand gently, "Hey so take it easy yeah? I'll help you if you want."

"Help sit up," Buck struggled a bit to reposition his hips on the hospital bed. Eddie would definitely need to help him sit up. He needed help most days and that was even on good days; not on days where his whole body, even his good side, felt like a bruised noodle.

"Fed self," Buck argued though. He didn't mind getting help where he needed it, but he could do that.

"Okay okay," Eddie agreed reluctantly. Buck glared at Eddie and lifted his eyebrows until Eddie huffed and nodded. Buck smiled in return. Buck was always thankful when he could convey his thoughts to Eddie without having to speak. It made his life easier most of the time.

On the count of three they shifted Buck's hips and then Eddie helped Buck with the controls and some pillows so he could sit up. Buck flexed his shoulders and yawned.

Buck lifted his left arm slowly. Oh man he was sore. Everything hurt.

Buck knew he had had seizures when he had first started to wake up. That's why he had been on the Keppra. But he didn't remember a lot of things from the early days. He remembered being lost a bunch of the time. Like he was caught in the tsunami wave and getting thrown around again and again. But he heard Eddie. He had heard Eddie first.

Eddie said that back then, he had been awake but hadn't been able to communicate. But Buck remembered being awake and scared. Or angry. So angry. But he couldn't remember why now.

Early on, Buck knew that everyone had been afraid that even if he woke up, he wouldn't be aware, or at least not the Buck he had always been.

To a certain degree maybe, Buck knew, part of himself had been lost when he had gotten hurt.

But that had happened before too. The truck explosion had changed him, just like the tsunami had.

That was just the way life worked really.

Like his therapist said, you either learned to bend or you broke.

And Buck had no interest in staying broken.

"Hate Jello," Buck laughed in-between mouthfuls of eating it, using his left hand to slowly bring the gelatin to his mouth, "Gross."

Eddie laughed at that, "Well the doctor said if you're feeling better and you're eating and drinking okay, then we can go home later today."

Buck lifted his eyebrows in surprise. He hadn't even thought about when he'd get to go home. But he wanted to go home. He missed Christopher. Speaking of…

"Chris?" Buck asked Eddie.

"He's with Maddie. Bobby dropped him off last night. Do you remember eating dinner with him?"

Buck finished the last of his Jello as he tried to remember yesterday. He remembered trying on his glasses at therapy and being cleared to wear them as much as his eyes tolerated them. But had that been yesterday? Or the day before?

"No," Buck shook his head, "At house?"

"Yeah at our house. Chris got his braces so Bobby came to visit you."

"Hmm," Buck hummed. Definitely didn't remember that. "Chris okay? See seizure?"

"No, but he's still worried about you. But I told him we should be home today. So be prepared for lots of hugs."

"Hmm, best hugs," Buck yawned. What the heck. He'd just woken up. He set down his spoon slowly before rubbing his face, wanting to stay awake and eat his chocolate pudding. He yawned again and blinked his eyes.

Eddie noticed, because he was always watching Buck, and he smiled at Buck, his eyes soft and most of the stress lines gone from his face.

Buck hated it that he caused Eddie so much stress now.

"Hey you can go back to sleep. Doc said the meds would make you tired. I'll tell the nurses you were awake and ate. We still should be able to go home today okay?"

"Wake up 1 hour," Buck acquiesced, rubbing his face and yawning again. He didn't want to sleep all day. He wanted to ask Eddie more about what had happened, what all the doctors were saying. But the drowsiness that he was feeling was not easily overcome and slowly Buck felt himself losing the fight.

"Yeah Buck, I'll wake you up in an hour. Now get some rest."

"M'kay," Buck yawned before closing his eyes. Eddie was there. He'd have more questions later, he'd want more answers.

He was getting better and knew that recovery from everything wasn't linear.

But Eddie was there, and Buck was alright.

Not perfect. But getting there.

Buck tried to fight sleep for a bit longer before he felt Eddie's hand in his, Eddie's other hand on his head, gently scratching his scalp.

Okay. There would be more time to worry later. But if Chris was okay, and Eddie was right here, Buck could sleep.

Buck squeezed Eddie's hand and let himself succumb to a well earned nap.

Everything would be okay.

* * *

_Eddie adjusted the cloth mask on his face again, taking a few deep breaths. This was always the hardest part of his morning. The initial moment he stepped into the rehab facility that Buck had been transferred to recently._

_It had been three months since the stroke._

_Eddie signed in with the desk, showing his ID before getting his temperature checked._

_"He's still in his room, this early. But I'll page the nurse to let them know you're here," the receptionist said, the smile visible in her eyes despite her own mask, "Have a good day."_

_"Thank you," Eddie answered, despite the cold hard stone of sadness that sat in his gut._

_It was hard really, to have good days lately._

_Buck had survived the stroke, and the surgery to fix the bleed. He'd come off the ventilator with minimal difficulty. He'd had some seizures, but those were controlled now too._

_But he wasn't the same. He was awake most of the time, but it was like no one was home._

_He didn't talk, and though he did move by himself, it was easily apparent that the right side of his body was paralyzed._

_It felt like a twisted game someone was playing on him._

_Your newly wed husband will live. But he won't ever talk, or walk, or ever do anything that resembled the man you fell in love with._

_Eddie felt the grief every morning he woke up alone in bed._

_The rehab facility had offered him some hope. Or at least had tried. But Eddie had had hope. Hope for Evan to live. Hope for a lot of things._

_But it had been almost a month since Buck had been moved to the new facility and here they were._

_No talking, no walking._

_Eddie wasn't even sure Buck knew he was there really. He would get so agitated sometimes, and because he couldn't talk, no one had any idea what was wrong. Or he would get scared and cry, huge loud sobs that just about killed Eddie, because there was nothing he could do to fix it._

_But he couldn't stop himself from coming. His heart could not stop. Because Buck was alive, was breathing. His hair was still short, having recently been shaved again for a final surgery a week before leaving the hospital to remove the catheter that had drained the cerebrospinal fluid after his injury. But the stubble of his hair was growing out, the scar prominent and pink. Healing nicely, everyone said._

_What did it matter, Eddie had wanted to scream, if the body healed but the mind did not?_

_Eddie walked the now familiar halls slowly, taking his time. Buck had so many therapies each day. Busy days where they moved his body, splinted and stretched his muscles, tried to get him interacting with them. All day, every day._

_But most days Buck appeared to be lost. Lost to a place no one else could follow. But still the rehab center persisted._

_Best chance of recovery, of regaining any kind of function, was intense and constant therapy. Eddie knew this._

_But he couldn't help it that his heart hurt all the same. Because each therapy was a fight. Buck's body was coming back, his muscle mass slowly returning, but his brain… not yet. Maybe not ever._

_Finally arriving at Buck's room, Eddie found the door open and the light already on._

_Turning the corner, Eddie couldn't stop the twisted sad/happy feeling that hit him everytime he saw Buck._

_He was alive. But he wasn't. Not really._

_Buck's morning nurse was at his bedside, the one who had most certainly turned on the lights and had also sat Buck up in the bed._

_"Hey Eddie," Cody, the morning RN, spoke turning from Eddie back to his patient, "Hey Buck, look who's here."_

_"Hey Buck," Eddie replied, removing his mask. He could keep it off in Buck's room, "Good morning."_

_Buck's gaze wandered, his eyes open but still exhibiting that lost distant look. He blinked and frowned, yawning before looking around the room, nothing catching his attention for long._

_"Buck here has something to show you," Cody continued, using well practiced motions to turn Buck on his side some before sitting him up more on the bed, "Won't do it for me, but he did it once last night with his favorite therapist. See if he'll do it again."_

_"What's that?" Eddie asked, stepping closer and giving Buck a gentle kiss on his forehead._

_"Hmm," Buck sighed and closed his eyes at the sensation._

_That was new. Eddie lifted his eyebrows in surprise and glanced at Cody._

_"Yeah that's not even the surprise," Cody gestured for Eddie to walk around the bed to Buck's left side, "Come on, come over here to his good side. "_

_Eddie did as instructed, glancing from Cody to Buck hesitantly._

_"Now go ahead and hold his left hand," Cody instructed, stepping back to give Eddie access to Buck._

_Eddie did as he was told, watching Buck closely. He hadn't opened his eyes again after Eddie had kissed his head and Eddie was almost sure he was falling back asleep._

_He did that often, having odd awake/sleep cycles. It was part of the brain injury caused by the stroke, Eddie knew now. He knew a lot of things he wished he had never had to learn about hemorrhagic strokes now._

_"Okay Buck, squeeze Eddie's hand." Cody said, rubbing Buck's upper arm._

_The touch made Buck open his eyes and blink, but still nothing happened._

_"Oh don't play hard to get, I know you've been waiting for him all morning," Cody leaned into Buck's field of vision, trying to catch the unfocused gaze, "Here let's see if he'll do it if you ask him."_

_Eddie took a deep breath. It wasn't that he was giving up. He had hope. But there was only so much heartbreak a heart could take._

_And Eddie was just about near that point._

_"Mi amor," Eddie spoke, his voice cracking slightly with emotion. Everyday this song and dance. Everyday the disappointment. He just wanted a sign. Something, anything that could make him hope. That could hold his heart together another day._

_Please please please, Eddie prayed. Please._

_"Can you squeeze my hand?" Eddie asked, "Squeeze my hand Buck. Please."_

_Eddie waited. And waited._

_Then what felt like eons, centuries, a lifetime really, later, Buck's hand twitched in Eddie's grasp._

_Eddie's heart was immediately in his throat._

_"Ask him again," Cody encouraged, watching the exchange carefully, "Go on."_

_"Come on Buck," Eddie pleaded gently. Or at least he tried. He knew the desperation was apparent in his voice. He couldn't help it. "Squeeze my hand mi querido."_

_"Hmm," Buck groaned. He clenched his jaw and opened his mouth before yawning. His gaze wandered until… Until…_

_There._

_Eddie smiled. Buck was looking at him._

_Eye contact was being made. And there was Buck, Eddie could see it. Suddenly without a doubt in the universe, Eddie could see him._

_"Oh Buck I've missed you," Eddie laughed and he cried, couldn't help it. Because Buck was looking at him, "Squeeze my hand."_

_Buck blinked and sighed, loudly, his left hand twitching before he gave Eddie's hand a squeeze._

_Eddie leaned forward and kissed Buck's forehead. And kissed it again. Couldn't fight the feelings of relief, or love, that were hitting his soul._

_"Hmmm," Buck hummed and his eyes closed. He yawned and smacked his lips and sighed._

_Eddie laughed quietly, his lips still on Buck's skin._

_Okay. I believe. I believe._

_I can do this. I can do this. Eddie promised Buck. He was there. His body was broken now, but he was there. Eddie could fight for him, for both of them. It would never be the same, couldn't be, but Eddie would fight for the chance. For the hope it would get better._

_"Told you," Cody smiled at Eddie, his eyes slightly misty and showing the smile despite his own mask, "Just you wait. Now that some of the cylinders are back online, Buck here is going to be up and walking and talking in no time. Just takes them a bit. He'll start becoming more aware with each day. This is just the start Eddie. I promise."_

_Eddie nodded, his heart still stuck somewhere between his throat and his stomach. Or maybe it was there in his hand, holding the two of them together. But it was beating. His heart was beating and Buck was alive and Buck was coming back. Eddie saw, in the few moments that Buck maintained the eye contact, that Buck was trying. That he was there and coming back._

_Eddie held Buck's hand and didn't let it go for a long time._

* * *

Christopher did his stretches, just like he was supposed to every night before bed. It wasn't too bad, just a pain.

It was probably the worst thing about his CP. That his mind knew exactly what he wanted to do, but he couldn't get his muscles to just *relax* and do what he needed them to do.

So Chris stretched and maybe played some video games in-between. Because both helped his muscles right?

Anyway, Chris did his stretches, and that was what counted. He didn't have to tell his dad or Buck that he played way too many video games.

Cause Carla let him play his video games longer anytime something was happening that she didn't want him to worry about.

But Chris was not stupid.

He was an A honor roll student cause he was a smart cookie, like his dad always said.

Cause if his muscles wouldn't work right, then Christopher made sure his brain was quick.

But anyway.

Dad and Buck were supposed to be home soon. Dad had called and said so, that his Buck was awake and ready to come home. They were just waiting for the nurse.

Yesterday hadn't been fun. First, he had gotten his braces. Which, ouch.

They had hurt his mouth and he had had to sit in that chair for hours it felt like. Sure they let him watch Cars 2, but even then it still had hurt. Especially when they put the rubber bands on that made his teeth feel all tight. He had to come home and take Tylenol because they had been bothering him so much.

And then later that day they had been at home and Buck was there and then suddenly he was gone.

Like last time. Only Dad said it wasn't like last time. Buck had just had a seizure, not hurt his brain.

So Buck was okay. Or okay as he was now. Cause he wasn't the same.

Christopher still loved him lots. Buck was the best even if he wasn't exactly the same. The best parts about Buck were things that didn't have to do with how his words were slow or how his right side didn't work very well. The best parts were stuff that hadn't changed even after he'd hurt his brain. He listened and he cared and he loved Christopher right back.

And he made Dad super happy. Which was a plus.

But he had gotten hurt and he couldn't do the same things anymore. And it was not like Christopher minded all the time, but he still missed how his stomach felt when Buck would grab him and spin him around, laughing so much he felt like he was gonna puke.

But Buck was still his Buck. He talked slower, and had a hard time seeing, but Christopher knew that he still was smart. He told Christopher all he knew about the stars the other day, and Buck knew A LOT. Way more than Christopher did and Christopher was a smart cookie.

Sure it took Buck longer to talk, but Christopher couldn't get mad at him. It had always taken Christopher longer to do things and Buck and Dad had never, ever, gotten mad at him for that.

So it was his turn to make sure he didn't either.

Finally, finally, Christopher heard his dad and Buck get home. They were driving his dad's truck so the engine rumbled when it parked in the driveway.

Chris grabbed his crutches and levered himself up. He poked his head out of his room to make sure he didn't run into Buck or Dad before he hurried his way over to the living room.

"Dad!" Christopher smiled at his dad who was standing by the front door, before looking around him, "Where's Buck?"

"He's in the truck. I need Carla's help real quick okay mijo, Buck is really tired so we're gonna go straight to the bedroom. You wanna go and get the bed ready?"

"Yeah," Christopher agreed only cause he was in his pj's already. And if Dad was asking him to get the bed ready then he knew without Christopher even asking that Christopher wanted to sleep with Dad and Buck tonight.

Christopher hurried to his parent's room, and fixed the blankets. His dad and Buck's bed was bigger than his so it took him a bit longer but he had just fixed the last pillow when he heard everyone coming down the hallway.

Christopher stepped back, leaning up against the wall for support instead of using his crutches to give his arms a break.

Maybe he should have done more of his stretches instead of his video games…

"Hey Buck!" Christopher said when he finally saw Buck. He was using his walker but he was going slow. Carla and his dad were standing on both sides of him, and his dad looked just as tired. And sad. His dad looked sad alot since Buck had come home.

But Dad told Chris that he was happy, was happy but his heart still hurt most of the time, but only cause loving someone so much hurt your heart as much as it helped it. It was the price you had to pay.

Christopher had an idea of what he meant.

"Chris!" Buck lifted his head and turned it a few times before seeing him. Buck had to do that now. But it was okay. There were worse things really. He even needed glasses like Chris did which was pretty neat to match.

"I made the bed for you Buck. Dad says you are tired." Christopher had pulled the blankets down on Buck's side, because once he laid down it was hard for him to fix the blankets around him. Chris didn't have the same problem, but he knew how to help Buck before he laid down for bed.

"Thank you. Chris," Buck smiled at him, his smile lopsided like it was now. But it was still Buck's smile. And it hurt his heart in a good way, just like Dad said, "Tired."

"Yes, so tired he should have used the wheelchair," his dad pointed out, stepping in front of Buck enough so that Buck could see him as he frowned. But Dad wasn't really angry. He was, like his dad always told him, exasperated.

It meant he was frustrated because someone was being difficult. Or at least that's what his Dad said.

"Hmmm. No. Walk." Buck mumbled back at his dad. That was another thing. Buck's words started getting more jumbled if he got super tired.

His dad had said that after Buck had gotten hurt, that the part of Buck's brain that told his brain how to use his muscles to talk got hurt. That Buck knew what he wanted to say, but that he had to work extra hard to get his mouth to move the right way.

Christopher totally understood that. His muscles did that to him sometimes.

But just because Buck talked differently didn't mean he didn't know what he wanted to say, his dad had told him. So Christopher had to listen and be patient when Buck talked.

Which was fine. Christopher couldn't walk fast and Buck couldn't talk fast. They matched.

"Yes I know you wanted to walk, but I still think you're being stubborn." His dad stayed by Buck, helping him move the walker forward.

"Yes," Buck replied and smiled. But he was tired, Christopher could tell. His steps were slow and smaller than normal, and his bad leg shook a bunch.

"Well as long as you are aware," Carla laughed and Christopher watched as they finally got Buck to his side of the bed.

"Now it's time for bed," his dad said and helped his Buck lay down. His dad helped Buck take his AFO off of Buck's bad foot before he grabbed the blankets and covered Buck. Buck only needed one AFO to walk, but Christopher needed two. They were hard to get off, and Christopher could get his on and off. Buck was still learning how. His dad helped Buck get comfy before turning to smile at him, "But I think we're going to have a visitor tonight if you don't mind."

Buck turned his head and looked for Christopher.

"I'm right here Buck," Christopher touched Buck's face super gentle. His dad did it to him all the time and he loved it. He knew Buck loved it too.

"Miss. You Chris." Buck finally saw him and smiled. Chris was so happy he had brushed his teeth right after dinner. It meant he was totally ready for bed.

"Me too. I'm gonna sleep with you okay? Is that okay?"

"Mmm," Buck nodded and yawned. He was gonna fall asleep quick, Christopher saw. Which was a good thing. Cause it was definitely bedtime.

"Okay up you go," his dad waited for him to drop his crutches before lifting him up and up and over to the middle of the bed. Yep. Super comfy bed.

Chris wiggled down and turned until he was facing Buck. He touched his face again, right by his Buck's birthmark.

"No snoring." Buck smirked, his eyes already closed but his face turned towards Christopher. His good hand was on Christopher's curls, scratching his head slowly.

Christopher giggled. He didn't snore.

"Only Dad snores," Christopher replied, looking at his dad as he waved goodbye to Carla. His dad must have heard him though cause he stuck his tongue out at him and smiled.

Buck laughed too, but Christopher could see Buck was falling asleep. He couldn't even open his eyes anymore.

"I love you Buck," Christopher whispered, shuffling until he was snuggled up close. Dad would be laying down soon and then it would be perfect. Chris knew he was getting too big to do this but he didn't care. He loved his Buck. And his dad. And he had been afraid. This helped.

"Love you. Chris," Buck mumbled and Christopher could tell he was almost asleep.

That was fine. It was bedtime afterall.

Chris gave a big sigh and yawned too. He closed his eyes and snuggled close to his Buck, his Buck giving him a big hug back. His dad would turn on the nightlight for them before he got into bed too.

Everything was okay.


	5. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is here.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who read and commented. I lost a dear friend and fellow RN to COVID, and it'll be a year in a few weeks since she passed. I know so many out there have similar stories, but this was how I dealt with my grief.
> 
> I love this Buck and Eddie. I may own day add more to this 'verse but for now, it is complete.

* * *

Eddie turned off his alarm before it woke up the other two sleepy heads. It had been a bit past Christopher's bedtime by the time they had gotten home, Buck begging the nurses and in turn the doctor to be released. Dr. Mitchell had tried to see if Buck had wanted to stay one more night, just in case, but even Eddie could have told him that answer.

Nope.

So he had needed to take his evening dose of his meds, the Keppra and now the Vimpat, in the hospital before the nurse could start working on his discharge. But once they had been discharged, Buck had wanted out of there lickety split, not that Eddie could blame him.

Eddie was excited to be going home. He had felt comfortable going home too. Buck had had no more seizures, of any kind, since receiving the Vimpat and increased dose of Keppra in the ER.

While it was a bit too early to tell, Dr. Mitchell was hopeful. Eddie liked that most about Dr. Mitchell. He was guarded in his prognosis, but he was always hopeful. Nonetheless Buck had a follow up appointment with the neurologist in five days to make sure everything was going okay.

But Buck was sleeping now and so was Christopher. It was a Saturday, and Eddie figured everyone deserved a good sleeping in day.

Especially since Buck hadn't woken up once since falling asleep with Christopher. Now that they knew for sure Buck's episodes had most likely been seizures, small ones, Eddie figured all those nights that Buck had woken him up had been because of the seizures. Either Buck had felt them coming and had tried to warn Eddie, or the seizure itself was what caused the confusion Buck had had during those moments.

Eddie sighed and settled back under the covers, putting his phone on silent so he could check his messages and respond without having the click of him typing wake up anyone else.

Maddie had texted him, asking how Buck had done. So had Bobby, Chim and Hen.

Instead of responding to them individually, Eddie replied to their group chat that they were all doing okay, giving them all a quick update. Maybe they could get together next week if Buck was feeling up to it. It would be good to have them all together again, it had been a minute since their last family get together. He debated whether or not to snap a photo of both Chris and Buck sleeping curled up around each other.

Still asleep, Christopher stretched his arms, his hands finding their way around Buck's face, his fingers gently touching Buck's cheeks and nose. Chris had always done that to Eddie in sleep, since he was a toddler.

Eddie laughed quietly when Buck scowled in sleep at the touch, before his brow smoothed out again and his face relaxed back into sleep. He grumbled before his good arm tightened around Chris' much smaller body.

Eddie smiled and decided against snapping a photo.

Some things were meant for just him to see.

Slowly getting out of bed, Eddie walked down the hall before really stretching, letting out a huge sigh at being in his kitchen.

He needed to make some coffee and he most definitely needed to do some yard work. Thank God he grew up in El Paso and had the good sense to xeriscape his front yard when he had moved into this house. Don't get him wrong, he loved grass as much as the next person. But the needed water and upkeep just wasn't practical when you lived somewhere where water wasn't abundant.

Thankfully he knew as much, El Paso was in the middle of a desert after all, so other than weeding anything that was coming through the rocks and cleaning up some, his slightly neglected front yard was a quick fix.

Even his back yard was easy. Some high quality turf that was easy for Christopher to get around on and some rocks. That upkeep was minimal too.

Easy peasy.

Pouring himself a cup of coffee once it was done brewing, Eddie sat at his table and looked out the back window. Mornings like this made him miss before.

The house was quiet, Christopher sleeping, but it just... wasn't the same.

There was no Buck at the stove, quietly making up some of his famous pancakes for Christopher, and Eddie too, no quiet soft kisses with promises for more once Christopher went to Abuela's or school.

And Eddie knew that sort of stuff wasn't gone forever. Buck was alive. He was getting better. So much better than before, this small hiccup of a hospital admission none withstanding. And he was alive. And he was happy and he was alive and Eddie didn't want anyone, the universe, God, even the freaking stars, thinking that he wasn't incredibly grateful that Buck was still here.

But that didn't mean his heart didn't ache. The counselor that he had been seeing weekly said it was a complicated grief. That Eddie could be sad that what he had was gone, even if Buck was alive.

And Eddie was happy mostly. Tired a lot of the time, but happy.

What happened to Buck wasn't just a tragedy. It was a miracle really, if you looked at it. The kind of bleed Buck had suffered from could have killed him. Or left him with more damage than it had. Buck was still Buck. Still the man he loved.

But man, if he didn't miss how it used to be.

And it was these quiet moments that Eddie let himself feel the hurt of that, let his heart break and then rebuild.

Eddie was slowly drinking his second cup of coffee when he heard it. The soft but persistent tapping coming from the master bedroom.

Setting his cup down, Eddie stood, silently groaning at his sore muscles. Eddie was used to the finer things of life now and that hospital recliner had definitely done a number on his back. The tempurpedic bed he'd gotten for Buck before he'd come home had spoiled his back.

Eddie didn't think he could ever go back to sleeping on the ground with just a half inch pad separating him from the floor like he had done in basic.

Man he was getting old.

Eddie softly padded into his bedroom and peaked inside.

Christopher was still passed out sleeping, only now with Eddie gone his son had decided to starfish himself on his parents' bed, his ever unruly curls covering most of his face. He'd need a haircut soon.

Eddie smiled softly before looking at Buck.

Who was awake and smiling right back at Eddie.

"Hey," Buck whispered. He had put his glasses on and Eddie saw that the tapping noise had most likely been Buck hitting the headboard with the knuckles of his good hand.

"Hey yourself," Eddie walked over and kissed Buck, a nice soft kiss. A reminder. He's alive. He's alive.

"Mmm. Coffee," Buck laughed quietly around the kiss, licking his lips, "Share."

Eddie laughed faintly right back, "You know as well as I do that you can't have coffee. Doctor's orders."

"Eh," Buck huffed and shrugged good-naturedly, "Then. Kiss. Again."

Eddie tried to kiss Buck again, he really did, but it was difficult trying to kiss someone when a smile kept threatening to break free. Instead they both broke the kiss naturally before Buck's head came to rest slowly on Eddie's chest. Buck's hair was getting longer too, Eddie noticed, his curls coming back in. The scar was still there, would always be there. But Buck was still beautiful. Was still alive. Living breathing alive.

"Come on," Eddie said, when Buck sighed contently and gently headbutted the underside of Eddie's chin, "Let's go sit outside for a bit. It's still early."

"With you." Buck replied, using his good arm and leg to help Eddie position his hips to get up and stand up out of bed as smoothly as possible. Neither wanted to wake Christopher up just yet.

"Of course with me," Eddie replied and kissed Buck's head, his hair tickling his nose. Buck still smelled the same. Same shampoo, same conditioner, same scent. Home. Eddie squeezed his hand.

Always with me, Eddie thought and let go of Buck's hand to hold his body. Buck still got dizzy sometimes when he stood.

He turned his head into Buck's hair again and breathed in the scent that was the same, that would always be the same as Eddie remembered. I love you I love you I love you.

"I love you," Buck whispered, reading Eddie's mind. He knew. Eddie looked at Buck, his Buck, with his glasses and his scar and his different body but still his Buck.

"I love you more." Eddie replied, and meant it. His heart could burst with it really. His heart and his soul all consumed with how much he loved this man. This man who was different, but still the same.

Things were different from before, Eddie knew. But the things that mattered were the same.

"Your hand," Buck whispered when they were finally making their way slowly out of the room, quiet because Christopher was still magically asleep, "In mine."

Buck lifted his bad arm and opened his hand slowly. Waiting.

Yeah, Eddie thought, reaching for Buck's hand.

He could hold his hand forever.

* * *

_Buck knew what he wanted. And what he wanted was to go home. To get out of here._

_"Hhoome" Buck spoke slowly. Very slowly. His speech was coming back. Each day was better. But he wanted home and he wanted out._

_"I know Buck. I know what you want. But the doctors don't think you're ready. You're still getting better."_

_"No." Buck breathed. Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath. "Am. Better. Home."_

_Buck watched as Eddie's face pinched. He was scared. And sad. And upset. And a lot of other things Buck couldn't tell. But Buck knew what he wanted._

_He did not like it here. He wanted Christopher. And his bed. And his room, and Eddie all the time. Not this. Not this place where people wore masks that covered their smiles and didn't let Eddie stay._

_"Buck, we have to listen to them just a bit don't you think? They're the ones that saved you."_

_"No." Buck wanted to yell. No not at all. Buck didn't remember a lot of things on how he got here. It had made him so scared and angry. He had been hurt? Sick? Whatever it was, it had put him here. But Eddie was wrong._

_"No what?" Eddie replied, squeezing his hand before letting go. He did that all the time. Even before. Even now._

_"You." Buck tried to lift his hand but stopped. That was his bad arm now. Remember remember._

_He concentrated and lifted his left arm instead. He would remember. He would learn. He was learning already._

_"You," Buck said again and touched Eddie's face. Gentle gently. It was hard, since it was his other arm. He wasn't used to moving it this much. And he had gotten so sick and lost so much muscle, lost so much strength. His body didn't feel the same._

_But he was getting better. So much better._

_"I don't understand Buck," Eddie replied. And Buck took a deep breath. He went to all this therapy. He might as well focus and get the words out._

_"Not. Them," Buck spoke slowly. Closed his eyes. Focus brain. Focus mouth. Get it out get it out get it out._

_"Not who?"_

_Buck kept his eyes closed and shook his head. Give me a moment Eddie. Pff._

_"Not. Them. Saved." Buck opened his eyes, and used his good arm to touch Eddie's chest. His heart. Come on say it say it. "You. Saved. Me."_

_Because when he had been lost and scared, he remembered Eddie. Eddie had been there waiting for him. He knew._

_Buck watched as the tears fell from Eddie's eyes but he was smiling. Good tears then. Buck didn't mind those. He was crying good tears too._

_"We. Go. Home." Buck took a deep breath. That was it. He was spent. No more words today, thank you very much._

_"Okay Buck, okay," Eddie laughed, a good laugh that hurt but was happy, and hugged him. Buck kissed his head, smelled his hair. He wanted home. Wanted Christopher. He wanted Eddie._

_"Okay Buck. We'll go home."_

* * *

It was not a sad thing, Buck figured, sitting on the back porch with Eddie as the sun came up, what had happened to him.

I mean, it sucked, Buck knew, but sad?

Buck knew he had been hurt, and it had been pretty bad. Things had been hard, were still hard, and things had always come easy to Buck before.

Buck had hated school. But he didn't hate learning. He knew his memory used to be the best. Read it and BAM it was stuck in his brain for forever.

Now he couldn't even remember everyone's names without seeing their faces. Now he went to therapy, all kinds of therapy to try and teach his brain things that had always been easy. Balancing on one foot. Walking up stairs. Stretching his right hand. Even learning how to eat properly with his left hand.

And the way he talked? Infuriating. His brain knew what it needed to say. But did the muscles in his face respond? Nope.

His memory was shit, he couldn't talk all the time, half his body was defective, and his vision was crap.

But was it sad?

Eh.

Buck missed being a firefighter, he wasn't going to lie. To say he didn't miss it would be a lie. He missed the calls, missed his friends, missed working. He missed closing his eyes and feeling the energy of the cabin as the sirens sounded, the engine of the truck revving through traffic. That feeling.

But he loved his family. And he was alive.

All this was to say that most days Buck didn't feel sorry for himself.

Most days.

He did sometimes. Like when Eddie was snoring next to him and the house was quiet and he was awake. Sometimes he couldn't sleep. And it sucked. He could get himself up out of bed by himself now sometimes, but it was hard and he did better if Eddie helped.

He was a grown man who needed help to go to the bathroom. Talk about eating a piece of humble pie.

And he couldn't play with Christopher, not like before. There were a few things Buck missed, and one of the most was picking up his kid and spinning him around until they were both so dizzy that Buck would have to fall down to the ground, holding Christopher tight to his body as the boy yelled to do it all over again.

He missed grabbing Eddie and dancing, horribly, to Eddie's favorite Spanish songs, blasting them as high as the speaker would let them and trying to sing along to words he didn't understand.

His missed sex regularly. When you were on enough pills to stock a pharmacy, it wasn't surprising that a few of them totally killed your libido.

So Buck could be sad about those things. But saying all that had happened to him was sad?

Nah.

Because he might not be able to spin Christopher around, but he could compare glasses and talk to him about how much they both hated physical therapy. He could do stretches with Christopher and then when he wasn't looking he could grab him with his good hand and tickle him until Christopher was squealing in happiness, both of them laughing so hard their sides hurt.

He could let Christopher point out all the stars with names in the night sky as all three of them, Eddie, Christopher and Buck, bundled up and laid out on the bed of Eddie's truck, miles and miles from the blinding lights of LA. Christopher still loved the stars, the small explosions in the sky.

He could listen to Christopher's fears, his dreams, and his secrets. He could tell Christopher how much he loved him, and how much he would always love him.

And then Eddie. Eddie who had been there before and during and now. Who held his hand and kissed him. Who whispered love into his hair in the night when he woke up from a nightmare. Who still treated him like his husband, who still loved him.

He could still argue with Eddie, still laugh with him. He could still steal morning coffee-tainted kisses, and still yell at him when he was going to burn the chicken because he set the airfryer on too high. He could still have these quiet moments, just the two of them listening to the world wake up. Like before. Like now.

He could still love Eddie.

God, his heart felt it would come out of his body most days when Buck thought about it.

Life sucked sometimes. He had worked so hard to get back to firefighting after his leg injury. Had wanted it so bad. But that had been back when firefighting was all he had, all he had ever had that had felt like it was worth something.

So it was hard, knowing he would never be a firefighter again. He knew the meds for his seizures weren't a sure thing, that he might have more or might have less.

He knew the brain damage wouldn't go away, that he would probably always need glasses and struggle with his speech. That his right arm mobility would never be 100%, that his right leg wouldn't always work the way it was supposed to work.

And if this had happened before he had Eddie? Before he had Christopher?

Then maybe it would be sad. Would be tragic. Buck honestly didn't like thinking about it most days, how scary the thought of not having his small little family would be. Buck was pretty sure he wouldn't have been able to survive it, if getting hurt like this had happened back then.

But love changed you, whether you wanted it to or not. And it had changed him. Buck had not been able to, nor had he wanted to, stop the change.

So Buck loved firefighting. But oh, how he loved his husband and his son.

So if someone had asked him to choose, choose whether to be whole and lonely, or hurt and with them?

It wasn't even a contest really.

And who knew. Maybe he could dance again one day, singing at the top of his lungs to try and show just how much he loved Eddie. Maybe he could throw Christopher over his shoulder and run through the yard, both of them yelling with happiness. He was getting better. He was getting better everyday.

But if this all he got, if this was it.

Well.

Then Buck would be happy.

Because he loved Eddie. He loved Christopher. He loved his family and their home.

And he could still hold Eddie's hand.

Always.


End file.
